Ostracized

God loves to surprise & amaze me. ;)

Before and after my play auditions with HPA this year, I asked Him to place me in whatever role I could best serve Him.  My heartcry was “Father, if it is Your will to give me a lead, I will give my everything to perform it to your glory; but if it be Your will for me to commit my time to one of the causes my heart is burdened for, a calling you've placed upon my life, then I will joyfully and excitedly embrace any role you give to me!"    I meant it, every day I prayed it; until I finally saw the cast lists, and I realized that my hopes, my own dreams, were not in letters on that list. My prayers had been a mixture of pouring out my wishes and asking the Lord to grant my requests, knowing all the while that God’s will always prevails!

Here is a bit of what I wrote on Sunday afternoon: “In my past, I’ve learned to face my pride, my fears, my depression, and my negativity. But envy? It saddens me to think of how often it still hits me. How much I’ve compared myself to others, how often I’ve wished I could have their abilities or talents—and how very little I focus on what God has created me to be, what He’s given me to share with others! Like many, I still struggle with feeling insufficient,  unworthy and unwanted. To be completely open and honest, my inner vanity bug is kicking and screaming right now. Yet, I thank the Lord for the wisdom He grants when requested! It seems to me now that the most ineffective and inefficient person is the one who sits around, depressed, ungrateful, complaining and unwilling to take that constant dare to reach out to others and serve them exactly how God wants them to. And because of who I’ve been born again to be, by the power of the Holy Spirit ever living and breathing in me, and through the joy of the knowledge of Jesus’ freedom, I have overcome the vanity and the envy that eats away at my heart.  I take the stand against it. I have a choice today, and today I choose freedom. It’s not easy to conquer something, but it’s beautiful to live with the freedom of having conquered with Christ. Only then is the burden easy and the yoke light: when we come to the Father. And in coming to Him, we say ‘Your will be done’.  It will, and has, prevailed. I laugh to think of the inklings of thoughts I had immediately after I realized what this next year in theater would look like for me (and to others! *smack that bug*) : maybe I should’ve prayed harder for the roles I wanted, maybe I shouldn’t have so radically asked God to give me whatever role I could be serve Him in, and maybe if I hadn’t said I’d be grateful for a smaller part (meaning God wanted me to invest my time and efforts elsewhere), I’d have gotten a bigger role.  I honestly cannot believe how ridiculous my coming-and-going thoughts have really been; I don’t really know my heart until a challenging situation comes up, do I? But I am so grateful. SO grateful! I didn’t want to learn, I didn’t want to admit to anything, I didn’t want to be thrilled with what I’ve been given, not yesterday and not this morning. And I didn’t think I had the strength to search my soul, to ask God to purify it and then to really listen to what He was telling me. It is amazing me at this very moment that His mercy, so sweet and soft, is sharp enough to cut down these stubborn ice guards I’ve slowly built up….”

I wouldn't be honest if I said that I wasn't disappointed for a moment after seeing the cast lists (honestly, I was confused for a while!) The day was full of temptations to despair and worry and allow feelings of inferiority, insufficiency and even envy to creep in. But thank our merciful, beautiful Lord! Through His love, grace & convicting truth, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, I have been made to not only accept my new positions but to genuinely REJOICE in these perfect opportunities, the opportunities I've been praying for all along! I have been chosen as an Animal Choreographer for Peter Pan to help teach a group of beautiful girls and to share with them how amazing it feels to dance! I seriously cannot stop smiling today, as I think of how incredible it is that the mighty hand of God is working in my life! How wonderful is His love! And He's proven how He delights in the details.... I am the Ostrich? (*I ADORE birds!*) I get to dance? (one of my "favorite things"!) And speaking of the Sound of Music... not only am I a nun (which I have always aspired to be!),  I am also the Baroness Elberfeld (who, by the way, gives a one-liner an amazing raised-eyebrow expression to the Nazi Herr Zellar at the ball!)  I am thrilled beyond words. I’m still pretty sure that no one will really understand why or how I could be, but instead of allowing the enemy to plant nonsensical thoughts of confusion and embarrassment in my mind, I am allowing the Spirit to plant truth in my mind, and my soul had been constantly rejoicing in the beautiful knowledge of my Father’s hand at work in my life. I am embracing this new season with my whole heart: not because I have to, not because anyone expects me to, not out of pride or spite—no. Purely out of a heart that is filled to overflowing with gratitude for the One who gave His very life for me and still continues to give me gifts. Perfect, wonderful, unexpected delights, each and every day.

So,  while I may have been myopic in my character last year (“’Where?’, Miss Eshton?”), thanks to my awesome Father, I’ve got both eyes wide open (and in fact, Ostriches have the largest eyes of all land animals- the only creature to have eyes larger than they is the giant squid! “Who knew, right?”) !

Note: You know how I know this is all a “God thing”? I feel like I’m on caffeine when I’m not. I’m waking up feeling this way. And the feeling won’t go away. If there is such a thing as “spiritual caffeine”,  I’m on it. And I am loving it.

I am blessed, and I am overjoyed. Now the fun begins.

Homeschool Performing Art’s Sound of Music & Peter Pan 2013-2014….Let’s do this.

Tryout Day: Her Worries, His Worth

To all of you who were praying for my auditions for HPA's "The Sound of Music" on Thursday, thank you so so much! I definitely felt God’s hand at work throughout the entire audition. True,  besides the fun, the energy, the laughter, the amazing girls I met, the sheer delight I felt during the acting exercises, and the ease I had going into my monologue, there were moments when I was completely confused, moments when I just wanted to go home, and the ever-dreaded moment just before they called my name when I realized I was losing my voice and then couldn’t find the right key to sing my song in. I remember asking God, all day,  to be there with me and sing through me on that stage. I remember asking Him, when it was over, “Why? Why did my voice sound so awful, why didn’t I remember to breathe properly, why didn’t I sing very loudly, and why was I suddenly so nervous that didn’t express myself with the motions I was longing to act out?” I wondered if God actually didn’t want me to sing well. I wondered what was so wrong with me that while I can, in all modesty and honesty, sing with beauty and clarity and strength and an operatic power that actually gives me chills, surprising myself to the point of tears, whenever I sing listening to the soundtrack, playing the song on the piano myself, or even acapella—but somehow I cannot sing well with another person playing an instrument?  I wondered if I am just one of those people who aren’t cut out to sing in public. Then, during the long night after my audition, when I wanted to just sleep, I kept thinking on what I needed to do, what I needed to improve, what I needed to fix, what I needed to remember next time I sang, what I just needed to try harder at, what I had to do in order to get what I want. Yes.  That was what it all came down to. I recognized this—later than I should’ve—and I begged God to help me. I asked him to forgive me of my selfishness and my envy. I asked Him to take away my fears, my doubts, my anxiety that I couldn’t figure out how to shrug off, and the depression that was settling upon my soul once again. After a rather fitful night, I got up and went to work as usual, still finding that I couldn’t stop thinking about auditions. It frustrated me so much that I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong in my mind. So I prayed from the depths of my heart for God to do what I couldn’t, to take control, to do what He willed. And yet the thoughts kept coming. I’ve always believe that God wants only good things for His children, and that any thoughts or feelings that oppress or lead me to despair are not from Him but rather are temptations from the devil. The Holy Spirit does convict us of sin, and when we listen, leads us to repentance; but, the Lord does not desire that we would be downcast or anxious. After all, Jesus said “Do not be anxious about anything,” and “Do not let your hearts be troubled: neither let them be afraid.” The Bible also says that the Lord hates idols, which can be anything that we allow to inhabit the center of our minds or hearts, take our focus off of Him, making it to be held it higher esteem than our Heavenly Father. So I struggled with these thoughts. I admitted that my anxiety about auditions was becoming a very unhealthy and obsessive thought process, one that I did not want at all. Yet I was, and am still, unsure of how exactly to make the thoughts go away. I’ve asked the Lord the guard my heart and mind,  I’ve commanded the devil to flee from me, and I have turned to God’s truth for comfort and wisdom. And God is surely beginning to open my eyes to the truth.

The first thing he showed me was this. Friday night, my sister Becky, my friend Sarah and my friend Alexa Heeres all had a sleepover at the Heere’s home. In their house, I saw a plaque that read, “Faith makes things possible, not easy.”  I stared at it for the longest time, processing what this meant for me where I was at (It was a, “God, could this possibly be you speaking to me through this?” moment!). And the more I thought about it, it made sense. I had asked God to sing with me on stage? That didn’t mean that He would or that He wouldn’t because He was trying to teach me a lesson or something. He did sing with me on that stage. He was in every breath I breathed… which, in that 20 seconds, happened to be …well, only two.  Without Him, I would have been silent. Without Him, I would have forgotten the words. Without His voice within me, I wouldn’t have been able to picture each thing in the song in my head. And WITH Him, I was able to keep going, bad as I sounded, after I made a mistake (and looked to the piano lady for help!).   Maybe my voice wasn’t perfect. Maybe it was froggy and croaky because it was late and my throat was giving out on me. Maybe I could’ve tried harder and breathed deeper and sang every note unashamedly out instead of reservedly in. And maybe I just don’t remember exactly how my audition really went. But I know God was there. He gave me the strength to not only survive the entire 6 hours I had to perform and talk with people, but to thrive in the drama, the conversations, and the little joys that came and went throughout the night. 

I don’t make excuses, yet I attribute much of the confusion to exhaustion; but, there were in fact things I can practice on, such as taking deeper breaths, focusing on the people around me rather than my own worried self, and just truly relishing the freedom that I have to open my mouth in song, even if it is in front of fifty other people!  I have realized, through the mercy of our Lord, that He truly does give us good gifts. But God’s perfect idea of “good” is not necessarily what we would usually call “good”. My entire audition opportunity was good, the people were wonderful, much of the night was a blast! But as ugly as some of the other parts look in my memory, they were all good. God gave me that experience. He’s giving me the experience now of seeing what I need to work on, and relying on His strength to help me work on it. He’s telling me that even if I see no point in my mistakes or that any good could come of that audition, He has something good in mind. And there is one greater lesson He is teaching me, one deeper issue that I’ve been tied up in that He is untangling within me. And that is the question of my worth.

I am feeling incredibly unworthy. Yes, I’ve read in numerous places over the past week, heard it from some people, even sang it when there was a song about it on the radio:  I am unworthy, but Christ is worthy!  Indeed. But I’ve been worrying about myself. And I believe that I began to subconsciously make my audition into the turning point that determined who I really was, as if somehow, how well I could perform would define who I am. I’ve been asking, and I’ve been given answers. What makes me worthy? It’s not my looks or my talents or my wit or my personality or my interests or my relationships… and that’s the truth. My worth is not defined by how well I perform or how confident I am. It doesn’t matter if I stand out in the crowd or if others even listen when I speak. I can be walking out in God’s truth, following His commandments, loving Him and others with all my heart, serving, speaking, searching, praying, working, trusting, proclaiming His goodness to all…. but my worth is not found even in that. It’s not even about my becoming small so He can become bigger. He is already big! There’s nothing I can do to change who Jesus is!  Of course, I humble myself and magnify Him in my heart and in my life. Of course I need to surrender to Him, love and live for Him,  and in doing so show the world how great our God is!

But when it comes right down to it, Jesus is the One Who is worthy!

His worth is all that matters.

It is not me in Christ that defines my worth, but Christ in me that defines my worth. It is Christ’s worth, never my own worth, that defines who I really am. I still don’t know the explanation for it, but I believe it as the truth, and I hold to it as a promise my beloved Savior has made to me.

And tomorrow, I will wake up and begin the entire process of preparing for auditions again. And this time, may I always remember what I’ve learned. I will always keep my eyes turned upon Jesus, having confidence in His worth and in the knowledge of the freedom I’ve been given! I will have joy, because of Him! And I am SO glad that He loves me. 

Always.

Today. A Poem.

"I wake to see the fog laid out on the lawn

Softly, quietly, stretches and yawns

Today is a day I’d rather spend on my own

Than get up for work, go into town

I know what is right, but I felt it last night

The need to be still and know

As I rise the sun rises, always surprises me

For hours it remains brightly unseen

How it hides behind such fragile billows

Makes it hard to leave behind my soft pillows

Today shouldn’t require bravery, but it does

Today should be ordinary, but it isn’t

Everything is wrong with me, but everything is right

Why do I think I’m strong when I have no might

Should I try to make sense, should I just act all the time

Should I sit and contemplate, till my heart’s genuine

I trust, I trust in Him, but still I feel something missing

Even when I’m assured, I just want to go away

I feel it can’t be right, but there’s nothing more to change

My selfishness has haunted me since birth

My heart knows Him who defines my worth

I denounce the sinner, run away from the sin

Yet still there is guilt cast on and within

Whenever I am or feel like this.

My capability to enjoy is not diminished

Though I’m tired and worn my task is not finished.

Finally, at last, with tears and a laugh

Later than it could, but exactly as it should

The sun appears, through rainy clouds of gray

It says hello, says it’s not here to stay

Disappears in a second, just like the rain

A bit of both to cheer me on this beautiful chilly day

These hours are a painting of perfect moments

A brisk little collection of quick and slowness

I resolve on this day to give up control

Once again, even more, not like before

Though I’ve said it a thousand ways

No gift, no due, is exactly the same

I surrender myself, though I know not what it means

I still do, and You do what you will with me

And I won’t let my feelings control me

Nor will I try to control anything

I don’t sit up, don’t give up, only rest

Knowing that He always knows best

And just look out at the marvelous for a moment…

The trees, the sky, the swallows that fly

Beneath a comforter of gray and mysterious white

The rain that sings and the wind that calls

Remind me of the imminence of fall

And I believe. I believe.

The confounding joy deep within my soul is a greater gift than I could ever ask for.

And if today’s tonight gives me anything, it is peace

And all I can feel now, all I can tell of, is thanks.

“I lay down and see the dew on the lawn

I will arise, I will stand,

by His tender hand

To awaken and sing with the dawn…."

"Where do I stand on marriage 'equality'? I stand with God."

With the issue being a prominent one in the news and the recent mass of red equal signs covering the facebook news feed, I felt it necessary to write a post on the topic of marriage. 
I am not going to list several Bible verses then state my own opinion. In fact, the words are one and the same; however, I would like to give some thoughts on the verses and explain what they mean for me personally and for all of us who are Christians:

Romans 1:18-32 "But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness.... Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.

So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other's bodies. They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen.

That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God's justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too." (NLT)

In these verses, God clearly defines that engaging in homosexual activity is a sin. And if our Heavenly Father has commanded us to abstain from such things, then how can we who claim to be His children promote the act, the "union" of homosexual people, and furthermore, fight to make their union equal to the sacred union of marriage that God has ordained?  You must realize that by supporting this so- called "equality", you are becoming an ambassador for that message. 

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 "Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God". (NLT)

Of course, not one sin is greater than another in God's eyes. I have heard people defend a homosexual lifestyle/ same-sex marriage by using the excuse "God loves everyone, and what these people are doing is no worse than someone telling a lie or stealing something. So we should just love them."  Yes, I commit sins, as does everyone. But this excuse hardly deserves an argument. I am convicted of my sins through the Holy Spirit, and after repentance I live on desperate to glorify the Lord with my life. When did the concept of loving others as Christ loves us go hand-in-hand with promoting sins that God calls wicked? I love all people, including homosexual men and women (many of whom claim to be "born that way") with a heart full of love that comes from the Father, but I will not raise a banner promoting a sinful lifestyle nor will I fight to give lost people a meaningless label. 

1 Timothy 1:8-10 "Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine ..." (ESV)

We all promote freedom. In our country, many freedoms have been taken away, yet the foundations of America are liberty, justice and equality. But who says we are equal? Every man and woman is equal because God has declared it to be so. So, I ask, how can Christians (or anyone for that matter) use the words of God to back up their argument that those who participate in homosexual sin should have the right to call their lifestyle a marriage? I encourage you, whether you currently support or condemn same-sex marriage equality, to take your views before God, lay your opinions at His feet and ask Him to speak to your heart. If you are certain that your ideas are perfect and well-founded, I challenge you to go to the Father, read His word and ask Him to reveal His truth to you. If he tells you that you had it right all along, then you have nothing to worry about. If he changes your mind, then praise Him for showing you and convicting you with his truth at this point in your life. 

If you have any questions for me on this topic or any others that I've presented on this blog, I'd love to talk with you. Thanks for reading, and God Bless.

"There is No Other Stream" - Living a Spirit-led Life with Our Gift of Free Will

I love the chapter in C.S. Lewis’ book, the Silver Chair, where Jill  (a friend of Eustace Scrubb, the Pevensies’ cousin)  arrives in Narnia, and upon looking for a drink of water, finds a stream, only to discover that the Great Lion is lying at the river’s edge, looking at her.  After a bit of conversation, Jill’s fears turn to desperation…

“I daren't come and drink," said Jill.
“Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.
“Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer."I suppose I must go and look for another stream, then."
“There is no other stream," said the Lion.

Growing up in a Christian home, deeply rooted in my faith in God’s word since early childhood, I learned much about how we as humans can do nothing good on our own, and that we always need the Lord and His saving grace. I also heard and believed that we daily need to ask the Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts and actions. There have been many similar themes of “surrender” and “reckless abandon” circulating through the Christian music industry, media publications and the like; every time I even hear or see such words I am thrilled and I get chills all throughout. Why?

Because I am in love with Christ, and it is because He loved me that I love Him, and because He loves me that I have this desire to please him. I know that there is “no other stream”, as it were, no other living water besides Jesus. I want to surrender my all to Him. 

But what does that even mean? I’ve asked myself over the years. 

In the Bible we see that as Christians, we have instructions on how to life the life we’ve been called to; we must surrender ourselves and our worldly thoughts and passions to God every day, and do His will rather than the will of sinful men.

I have been to several churches where almost the entire sermon, worship service, and open-mic time are unplanned.  The people there believe that any words of worship will come to them as the Spirit leads and they share with the congregation what God reveals to them in that moment. Simply put, they just go with whatever God tells them. The stream flows freely. This is an amazing feat of faith, don’t you think? Yes, the service may appear like a holy, proverbial  “train wreck “ at times, but it has been my experience that the Spirit of God does move mightily in these places where He is invited. Many of the other organizations and churches I’ve been to have an outline of their service, and go according to schedule, and maybe leave a bit of room for a last-minute change if Holy Spirit’s prompts. But on average, the individual person must be willing to break out of the mold and risk looking silly if they feel called to share something or worship in a more “unconventional” manner.  The stream, the living water, is held in jars, brought out only when man deems it necessary. It is often deep inside my soul that I listen to the Holy Spirit’s quiet voice in these places. It is not like I myself feel the need to just break out in dance in church—not at all—but I do see many people coming to my current church with an expression of reservation. It seems as though they feel it is expected and required to be inactive during the service and to follow up by working with zeal outside the church. Some churches, denominations and people groups go so far as to say that the Holy Spirit is no longer at work, that such miraculous interceptions stopped with the apostles. To them, the stream has dried up.

Now, I do not want the focus to be on the state of the American Christian churches (for there is much to be addressed on that topic alone). Rather, I am speaking of how the Spirit of God can direct our daily lives. Earlier I mentioned the frequency of the themes of “surrender” and “reckless abandon” in our Christian culture today. As I’ve been contemplating these themes lately, I’ve realized that this idea of the Holy Spirit’s direction somehow differs, without contradicting, the idea of surrendering daily to God’s will. I can best pose it to you as the question I initially asked myself:

“What would it look like for me to, while living out God’s will as defined in His word, be willing to do whatever the Holy Spirit directs me to do, every minute of every day?”

Wow. Our first reaction is to think that a life like this would look a little crazy. Maybe in a good way, but still crazy. A bit hairy. A bit scary, even. Honestly, who wants to lose all control of their life? Who wants to be flooded by a stream of living water that can’t even be explained? Who insists that someone else directs their own decisions? But that is what this really comes down to, isn’t it? No matter what your present or past beliefs are or have been about the working of the third member of the Trinity,  the decision really is all about control.

We have been given the gift of free will by a God who has a plan written for eternity.  (Aha…. a quote! Please, just stick with this: I’m sure it will all make sense soon.)

The concept of free will is complex, but I will state it as thus: as Christians, we have the freedom to choose between good and evil thoughts, words and practices. We make choices every day in our Christian walk, to either glorify God or please the human nature, to be constructive or destructive, to do what our flesh longs to do our do what God has commanded us to do in love.

So how does this all tie together with living a Spirit-led life?

Before we can grasp the idea of being led by the Holy Spirit, we need to have an understanding of who the Holy Spirit is, and only then can we see how He works in our lives. (A good article to read on this is linked below: )

http://www.truthmagazine.com/archives/volume35/GOT035115.html

In this post I am paralleling living a Spirit-led life to the concept of the one and only stream. This stream is living water. Aslan’s words, “There is no other stream”, are a comparison to God saying there is no other way of life than to know and obey His will and live according to the Spirit. So, I began by looking at how I could live my life guided by the Holy Spirit. Naturally, I haven’t come up with any practical application, because the truth is—and it may be tricky to accept this—the Holy Spirit is not practical.  He is a real being. I know that I might look like a fool.  A simple example of what I’ve always believed to illustrate obeying the prompting of the Holy Spirit is this: I’m in a public place, and I hear a voice telling me to go up and talk to someone. I may not know them. It may not be a public place, even. It could just be in the middle of a conversation, I am prompted to say something I wouldn’t have thought of saying myself. Now this is where discernment plays in:  we must be deeply grounded in God’s word and have an intimate relationship with Him to discern His voice and know when a thought is from Him.

Because of free will, we have the choice to surrender our lives to the Holy Spirit’s calling; when we surrender ourselves to the Spirit’s leading, we are saying that we surrender our free will to Him as well. The Holy Spirit moves in us by convicting us, and he also moves among us by leading us to do the abnormal, the unthinkable, and the impossible—all inside the will of God the Father. Being willing to do and say whatever the Spirit leads you to does not necessarily  mean doing a cartwheel in church or rattling off quotes that you never even heard of to a complete stranger, but it can mean that you will be called far beyond your comfort zone, and once out there, you might not have control. I’ve heard countless stories of people who have seen, spoken and done things that were completely outside their control, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. In fact, my Sunday school teacher once told me this story: In church one morning, she heard God say to her, “Go perform a cartwheel up front.” My teacher did, and after the worship service, a woman came up to her, crying. This woman was downhearted, disbelieving and wanted her life to be over.  She had told God that morning, “God, if you are so great, and you care about me, show me. I’ll have faith if I see you make someone perform a cartwheel up front.” I was told this story when I was eight years old, and it has stuck with me to this day. We have to realize that when we surrender our all to God, we aren’t saying we will do what He wants if it makes sense to us. Yes, we take captive every thought that comes into our mind and line it up with God’s truth, and we don’t act on human impulse, but we have to be willing to do whatever he calls us to do, trusting that His will and His strength will prevail.

I have lived much of my life relying on my own strength, unwilling to lose control of the one thing in my circumstances that I could control: myself.  And now this decision to live each day completely surrendered not only to God—living out his commandments, loving as He loved, making ethical decisions based on His truth and speaking in the manner he has instructed us to—but also to the divine leading of the Holy Spirit—listening to his voice, acting on His promptings, sharing the thoughts He gives and serving wherever He leads me to go—is still a mountain looming before me. I know that it’s not easy. It is risky. It is a stream of living water that I do not control, but that I cannot live without. I know now that there is no other stream. And I may not get to do everything I want to do. But as I make the choice through the God’s grace (and the free will I’ve been given) to daily surrender my plans and my will to God, the more I am making myself in tune with the Spirit, and the more His will shall become my will. To God be the glory, forevermore. Come, Holy Spirit…come…

“As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.
 For who is God besides the Lord?
    And who is the Rock except our God?
 It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights…” (from 2 Samuel 22)

A Call to Speak For Life

Good evening, everyone.

This is a rather unusual blog post, but I wanted to share with you one of my speeches that I wrote, on the topic of "Life vs. Death". I hope that you will read this carefully and ponder what God would have you do.

Life vs. Death

"If I were to ask you what you thought was the number one cause of death in America, what would you say? Perhaps you think it is heart disease, or cancer, or maybe even accident-related deaths. But no matter what the doctor or the media have told you, there is one major cause of death that they are not telling you about.  There is one cause of death in our country whose death tolls outnumber the death tolls of any other cause, and yet the media and the medical industry will not publicize it as it is: a national crisis. The number of lives lost to this cause is greater than the numbers of lives lost to the next two leading causes of death, heart disease and cancer, combined. In just the past 38 years, over 55 million fatalities have been recorded. Even the number of soldiers and civilians who have died in the war on Iraq, totaling 172,000 lives over the course of the war, is only .003% of the lives lost to this leading cause of death.  What is this awful death? Abortion.

Every day, nearly 4,000 children die in their mothers’ wombs at the hand of a certified abortionist.  Of course, there is controversy on this subject. Some people claim to be pro-life, while others claim to be pro-abortion, although they call it “pro-choice.”   Now I don’t know what you believe about abortion.  But there are three basic standpoints on the issue. Some people in America believe that abortion in wrong and should be banned. Others believe that abortion is a “necessary evil” in cases of rape or incest, or if the health or life of the mother is in jeopardy. And still others see abortion as a women’s choice—a choice that no one has the right to take away from her. I do not know where you stand. But I know where I stand. And I am not writing this to just share my thoughts. I am here to present you with the truth: the real, scientific, medical and moral truth.  It is my sincere hope that through this article, you will see the amazing evidence of life before birth, and come to understand why this war, the silent war on the unborn, must be won.   

Earlier I gave you the statistics of babies whose lives were lost to abortion since 1973. That is 120,600 babies every month, 4,020 babies every day, and at least 3 babies every minute.  According to Right to Life.org , 1 in every 4 babies is killed in the act of abortion every year.  These numbers mean nothing to those who refuse to believe that an unborn baby is a viable human being; rather, they believe that it is merely a “woman’s choice” to have her child murdered. But to those who have chosen to see the truth that what is often called a “fetus” is actually a precious child in need of protection and care, these death tolls are heartbreaking. How is it that the same hands of a doctor who delivers babies into this world can also be used to tear a baby apart, limb by limb, and deliver it dead from its mother’s womb? How is it that the same hands that assist in giving life can use man-made devices and chemicals to take the life an innocent child? And how is it that so few “pro-life” people dare to speak out against it? How tragic it is that we go on in our day-to-day lives without giving a moments’ thought to the hundreds of babies that are being killed in the act of abortion!

But why? Why is abortion still happening? If it is true that a baby’s heart is beating at just 18 days after conception, and that his brainwaves are detectable at just 40 days, then that baby IS a live human being. Science proves it, all moral conscience demands that it be accepted, and the majority of politicians, lawyers and citizens know that when a woman is pregnant, there is a child alive inside of her. Every doctor believes it. But if we all know the truth, how then can we allow abortion to continue to take place in our country today?  There must be a better way.

Life. We must choose life. The choice of adoption, even. Life is precious in every circumstance.

 Life… is not ours to take. If we take an innocent persons’ life, whether they be inside their mothers’ womb or out, it IS murder. So the question I am asking you today is this: what will you do? What are you going to do with the information that has been presented to you? We already have the statistics from the past year regarding abortion; but what about this year? Think about it: 2012 is over, 2013 is here. Why can’t 2013 be the year that the people of America—the doctors, the politicians, the judges, the people!—choose to speak out against abortion? This CAN be the year that we find our courage to stand up on behalf of the unborn and really make a difference. This can be the year that when the topic does arise in a conversation, we are not afraid to share the truth about life before birth. This can be the year that we can reach out to the women in our community who are facing crisis pregnancies and offer them help and guidance, adoption alternatives and counseling (rather than turning a blind eye to them or allowing them to be coerced into going to the nearest abortion facility). This can be the year that the hearts and mind of the American people are changed, and we can all begin to view the unborn children as innocent human children, and our future generation. Let us set an example to the world: that America loves her children, protects her children and lets her children live. 2013 can be the year; will you choose to believe it?"

"Speaking Without a Voice" - Lessons Learned by Wheezy MacHackie

"One thing I have spoken; two things I have heard. That You, O God, are faithful, and You, O Lord, are strong..."

Last night, my family and I watched my favorite film, Amazing Grace, and I was reminded of a quote by John Newton:  

"... I remember two things — that I am a great sinner, and that Christ is a great Saviour."

Prior to a weekend full of speech tournament events, I began losing my voice, and I knew deep down that God was going to teach me something very important through the experience. 

I am sick. I’ve been very sick for the past three weeks and I don’t understand why it is getting worse, but most of the symptoms just come and go. So, I kept my speaking to a minimum Friday morning— thought I never expected it to be so difficult, to not talk when I really couldn’t talk—and the first 4 rounds of public forum debate Friday night went rather smoothly. Saturday morning, my voice was almost 100%  gone. I was terrified that I would have to drop out of my other speech events; but, after some discussion with the judges, I went ahead and gave my Thematic Religious Reading speech*, but I had to whisper. Yes, I whispered my speech. It was the only way I could use any voice inflection, for if I attempted to speak normally, it squawked and squeaked like a chicken caught in a mouse trap. 

Now, after getting through that speech, I went on to compete in the Radio Broadcasting event. In Radio Broadcasting, the student is given several news articles and 30 minutes of preparation time before presenting their limited-prep speech to the judges. The catch is: the judges have their backs turned away from the presenter. So I had come to the tourney with a great idea for my radio station, which including numerous character voice impressions and so forth.... but, with my voice being that of Wheezy the Penguin (from Toy Story), I knew I couldn’t try that plan, so after talking with dear sister Becky, I decided to do a new style of Radio Broadcasting entirely. It started off like this:

“Goooood morning, America! This is 87.3 Squawk Talk Radio. I’m your host, Wheezy MacHackie.”

I completed the joke by adding a Squeaky Duck Clean shampoo commercial and a weather update from the Hippi-Dippie weatherman (I'll post up my speeches in more detail soon). Now, remember, I’d been whispering all morning, so the first time I really heard my crazy voice was when I gave my speech in the presentation room; which, by the way, was standing room only. All the other events in that round had already finished, so EVERYONE came in to watch the final speaker for Radio Broadcasting. My first broadcast didn’t go so well, as I had a hard time not laughing at myself, but I really was amazed that somehow, I made it all the way through. 

Everyone at the tournament was so encouraging, and I not only saw Gods’ mercy and love being poured out on me, but I saw it flowing through everyone who spoke to me. The second round, I gave my Thematic Religious Reading (TRR) in full voice, and received great feedback. The next Radio Broadcast was much better, and I had a lot of fun with it, although I was sure I would not get high scores.  Imagine my shock when, at the closing program,  the invitees to the International Convention were called to the front, and I heard my name. For Radio Broadcasting.

 I have definitely not judged the success of this tournament by what I scored high in, but rather by the amazing fact that I was even able to speak at all. Before and after my TRR, I could barely talk; but during that one speech, my voice was clear, resonant, and didn’t squeak one single time. I was able to communicate the message of  "aspiration" to the judge and the three other people in the room; and, if it impacted them even a little, it is because of God's gift to me. To receive the inspiration to use my situation to entertain the radio “audience” was truly a work of God. I don’t exactly know why he did what he did for me, and I don’t know how it all happened. I may not ever understand why He chose to let me speak at certain times. But I am ever so grateful that He saw me through an incredibly trying weekend.

The lessons learned, yesterday especially, are beyond number, and I’m positive that I couldn’t put most of them into words, either. But reflecting back on the words spoken by John Newton, which I quoted at the beginning...

The two main messages I learned. One— God may not heal me when I pray for healing. But if I am willing, He will make me stronger in this sickness, and help me to do things I never thought possible in a situation like mine.

My Family

"Every family is like a bowl of cereal: a mixture of nuts, fruits, and even a few flakes."

The way I introduce my family says a lot about them; and, I must add in all equality, the way any of them introduce me says a lot about me.... so I shall be both fair and fun in this introduction to my family members.  

I have been blessed to grow up in a Christian home with both my parents and three amazing older siblings. Being the youngest (or, as my family loves to call me, "the baby") has it's advantages and disadvantages; I have been able to observe my brothers and my sisters in their actions, and from an early age, I learned to discern what was right and wrong- with much credit to the Biblical foundations my mom and dad laid down for us. In some areas I have imitated my siblings, and there are some things I have not tolerated or applauded; but as the years have passed, I've been graced with the wisdom to see how the dynamics of our family work together to create a beauty of a masterpiece. So here are some pieces to the puzzle:

{Ha. Leave it to the budding photographer kid to make mom & dad do a Wild West pose.}

In all seriousness, now. These are my parents:

{Dad & Mom, at Mackinaw Island}

Their "how we met" story is one of the cutest you'll ever hear; but of course, you'll have to ask them about yourself. 

My mom was raised Catholic, participated in school sports, graduated with flying colors and, by and by, ended up marrying my dad. For as long as she can remember, she had always wanted to be a teacher; after several years of serving on the local school board, she decided to home school her children. Yay, Mom! :) 

My dad, also raised in a Catholic family (of 7 kids, no less!) is a big game hunter, mechanic, football coach, amateur comedian, and all-around handyman. To be honest, I cannot remember ever having another person come into our house or our garage to fix something. My dad has always done it. :)

Both my parents came to Christ after they married; their journey of faith has been one of tears and laughter, as they are the only children in both their families to break away from the Catholic church and pursue Christianity. I am so proud of them and very thankful for everything they have done for their family and kids. They have instilled in my brothers a strong, Michigan work ethic, the concept of modern-day chivalry, and the biblical values needed to become a strong man of God. And, since my sister and I were very little, my parents have taught us to be God-fearing young women, to know the value of honor,  femininity and virtue, and through many resources and books which we have read together over the years, our “mum” has taught us the many aspects of biblical womanhood and the lady’s role in the home and in society. Absolutely nothing could substitute for the hands-on training we have received, though, especially through the joys and experiences of living life in the country, where we cut and stack our own wood for heat and hang laundry out on the line whenever we can (by “whenever”, I mean any day in Michigan from February to November when it is not raining or snowing!)

Now, for my beloved brethren...

{Tim & me}

We'll start with Tim, my youngest big brother. :)  Not only is he a huge Michigan fan, an Eagle Scout, a computer whiz, and a great speaker (and, I might add, I think he sings pretty well, too!), he is a regular sarcastic jester, is great for hugs and has an incredible gifting as a teacher. If not for Tim, I never would have thought I could be a softball pitcher; but, with his training, I became the #1 pitcher for my team for 2 years.

{Ben, Becca & Ava}

 This is Ben, my manly-man oldest brother. In 2009, he married miss Becca Jo Tinklenberg. Ben is the kind of guy who loves fishing, farming, football, country music and going out into the woods, either to hunt or, as my sister and I love to joke, he will "just chop down a few trees for fun".  He is a fantastic cook, plays basketball, and is a wonderful dad. He's also the one who taught me how to throw a football like a pro. :) I'm proud to say I have a brother who practically lives in camouflage and cowboy boots.

I am also excited to say that my sister-in-law and I share many likes, one of them being chemistry. In fact, she is a chemist. More than that, she is a fabulous cook, crafter, mother, homemaker and friend. She and Ben together also parent three great dogs- big dogs, I should say- whose names are Toby, Sam and Brewster.

Wondering who that little muchkin is in the first photo? Well, as you may have guessed, that is my adorable niece, Ava Josephine. She is truly the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.

{Ava rockin' it out on her horsie!}

Ava was born February 3rd, 2012. She is the sweetest, most expressive little baby!

{Isn't this amazing? She was only in the world for about five hours when this picture was taken.}

 Imagine how photogenic she will be when she grows up!

 {...and here she is with her Grandpa, at 1 month old.}

She now has lots of teeth, and is starting to walk a bit. Ben told me she "found her voice" a few days ago, and is now shrieking in delight at everything funny (I said, "just watch: she might grow up to be a singer!" haha... brother simply glared at me.) 

But enough of the little peanut.

And now for my favorite sister... :)

{My dear sister Becky (left) & me (right)!}

This is my very best friend Becky. (I like to introduce her that way, then tack on that she is "also my sister".) When we were little, we almost always got along; but it wasn't until about five years ago that she and I decided that as sisters, we could and should be best friends, and ever since then, we are absolutely inseparable in our relationship. 

Growing up, we did practically everything but burn the house down together. ;)  One of our greatest pastimes is playing dolls together, creating great stories and adventures with amazing plot and dialogue, most of them taking place in imaginary medieval period lands, with villages, fields, and castles (the playroom upstairs, the window seat and the steps) as the sets, and endless princess dresses and homemade capes for our Barbies (if you ever want to know about our amazing theatricals, you have only to ask me!).  Little drama queens that we were, we acted out countless tales without endings and went on many adventures together in our imaginations. I must confess that I was often the little sister who was always bugging big sister to “stop reading that book and play!”.   :)

  As we grew older, our activities together turned to composing real stories, board games, sports, ballet, puzzles, and more and more genuine conversation. Everything there was to talk about, we could find a way to talk to each other about it, whether it be while doing the dishes or in the garden, or in our beds late at night. We have endured much together, and we have grown closer with every passing year. (I'm sure I will have a post exclusively for my sis fairly soon.) :)  I so appreciate my sister and the confidence I have found in her company; I truly could not ask for a better or more beautiful best friend and sister.

So there you have it. 

This is my family.

I could talk about them all day.

The love I have for them is crazy and overflowing. 

____________________________________________________

Balancing Act - Peace & Passion

Even when I was little, I never liked teeter-totters. Believe me, I was never the kid to shy away from adventure or even unsteadiness beneath my feet. I climbed trees, haybales, tall ladders, and sat on rooftops for fun. I loved every piece of equipment at the park except the teeter-totter.

When I was eight, I began taking ballet classes. It’s a common misconception that if you take ballet, you must be a very talented and graceful ballerina. The truth is, I needed ballet; without ballet, I wouldn’t BE graceful at all.

The teeter totter is a mind picture of unsteadiness and uncertainty. You go up, you come down; you fly off it or you get your bottom slammed on the ground.  Ballet is all a matter of balance. You lean from side to side in an attempt to keep your balance while up on your toes. The two together present a perfect combination of comparisons to the topic that has been laid on my heart to address.  Passion, and peace. How do the two go together in the Christian walk? For me, the question is: how do I perfect a balance of them in my life?

There are many definitions for the word balance; I’ll list only a couple.

{ Balance: a means of judging or deciding; a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence }

balance: keep or put (something) in a steady position so that it does not fall

The concept of the balancing act, between passion and peace, is actually both of these definitions.

In our world today, we are often surrounded by many voices that scream for our attention. We become flustered, frazzled and even depressed by the onslaught of media, drama, gossip, relationships and overall a very fast-paced society in which advertisements claim to have the answers we long for… but they almost never measure up to expectations. How hard it can be to have faith in humanity sometimes, to trust, to have hope; or, even more difficult, to find peace. Peace. I’ve been taught since childhood that peace, true peace, is found in God. I hold fast to that faith, and it gives me great comfort when I do go to my Father and read his word. But the key word here is “when”.  It pains me to admit that I often let myself become overwhelmed with the cares of the world and struggle with my self-sufficiency long before I turn to Him and ask for help, even when I know in my heart of hearts that it is only in Him that I find peace.

Another thought that is sorely overlooked in our world, in my generation and others, is passion. How long has it been since you felt a real passion for something? My greatest struggle right now is with my restlessness and my apathy; it feels as if the two are at war within me, and it grieves me so. Why, when I have the source of greatest peace, do I feel so restless? It must be because of my longing to do something important, to be someone, to make a difference. So I need a passion. But when I feel this passion rise up in me, and I realize how I have failed and how incapable I am to bring it about, it brings depression and anxiety, and I long for peace. Some may call this a vicious cycle, but I know it is more than that. It is not an emotional rollercoaster (even if it were, I don’t suppose I am the only one riding it.)  Rather, I see it as a working of the Holy Spirit in me. I have been forced to ask myself, what is the proper balance between peace, and passion?

Do I forsake certain passions for the sake of less stress in my life? Never. But do I take the advice of others, and take precautions to make sure I don’t have too much on my plate? Of course, although it must be done according to God’s will, and not the will of men. And what of peace? If I seek out peace in every situation, and take time to stop and breathe whenever the going gets rough, does that mean I am lazy? Sometimes I think so. Is peace the underlying cause for my laziness? No. Ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve even wondered,  if I didn’t feel so at peace, would I be more apt to pursue diligence and complete my daily responsibilities (note- schoolwork!) with greater zeal. When I am calm and collected, while everyone around me seems to be in a frantic or disturbed state, does that make me apathetic? No. Apathy is the presence of indifference, not the absence of anxiety.  But I must not sit idly by, or believe that a state of ease is to be desired.  In all of these questions, and confusion and searching, I have been graced with the wisdom to come to several conclusions.

I must seek out passion above all comforts. Peace must come from God, and no other. With His peace in my soul, I must not only believe that His strength will be sufficient for me to do His will, but I must act on those passions He lays on my heart.  Numerous or new passions do not give reason to disregard past and common dreams and callings, or to wait for an “opportune” time. Instead, I must follow Christ’s example and do the will of the Father in every circumstance, and simultaneously keep my eyes focused on the ultimate goal, the greatest passion: that of showing His love to the world.

God gives us all individual passions and callings, and He has equipped you with every good thing to bring about His will in the manner of which you have been created for.  Perhaps you do not feel strongly for any particular cause right now. It is not a sign of weakness; but, maybe you just need to consciously open up your eyes, ears and heart to the world around you, and in time, I believe God will show you where He desires for you to work.  Peace and passion do go together; in fact, I now see that they work in perfect harmony. Yes, passion can lead to anxiety which leads to a quest for peace which can lead to stillness and even apathy which leads to a thirst for passion. But you see, this is not a vicious cycle or an emotional roller coaster.  It is not a crazy, flying-high bumping-down ride on a teeter totter.

It is more like a ballet.

A perfect combination. A dance.

And because of Christ’s sacrifice and the working of the Holy Spirit in my life, I have true peace and passion.

It is a balancing act. And a beautiful one at that.

A Day's Devotion

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –Romans 8:37

Today is a day that began with a great load of stress, a load that grew heavier on my shoulders as the day progressed. But I have found, as I always find when I go to my Father in prayer and meditation, those words of comfort and joy that always soothe my spirit. Because of His promises, I have hope; because I have waited on the Lord, I have strength; because of  His great love, He has renewed my spirit.

“The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not grow faint or weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might, He increases strength. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but they who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up on wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” –Isaiah 40:28-31

I am satisfied in my quest for peace, for my human heart belongs to Him who offers perfect love and mercy. How wonderful is the thought—how much more awesome is the truth!—that in everything we are to endure in life, and no matter what fears or pains the day brings, we have a Savior whose arms are always open wide!

“I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.” – Isaiah 46:4b

Hello, everyone! I am so excited to have my blog up and running! Here is my intro post:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5

  Frozen Grapes is a title which originated from several thoughts; first, it is one of my "favorite things"; second, my personality is cool (as opposed to hot; see Rev. 3:15*), and my weaknesses are that this "coolness" can be morphed into apathy or coldness, and it is by God's grace that I am daily overcoming these faults; and lastly, Frozen Grapes is a reminder that ice quickly thaws in the presence of light, and the sweetness of the liberty we have in our souls as children of God is one that we must not allow to be hindered by the frost of pains past. In the creation of Frozen Grapes, I hope to present a collection of stories, both from my life and the lives of others... trial, triumphs, and lessons learned... to inspire, humble, excite and comfort other readers in their various walks of life, and to reflect the love of our God and bring glory to the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

*Revelation 3:15..."I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot!")