b e l i e v e >>>

I had a beautiful moment in worship with the Lord tonight.

He pieced together many of the chaotic thoughts that have been skewing my perception and He assured me of His goodness and love in a way I can't describe very well. I've been wanting to make my knowledge my belief, in my heart of hearts, and I've been asking Him for help in that. I've realized He has already claimed the victory, and it's on my end to fight the good fight, but I've been so tired and frustrated with the struggle. I've been fighting half- heartedly, occasionally, and allowing doubts and misconceptions about the Lord to sit and fester in my mind, while I just press forward and try to do my very best. God in His loving grace (haha, it's Grace night, guys! ;) )  just planted these core reminders in my heart tonight when I told Him to take my heart and make it into what He wanted, because I see I can't fix it myself....
God has to have a contradiction. He doesn't desire sin nor does He use evil to manipulate and bring us to repentance and utter dependence on Him for selfish reasons. (Believe it or not, this is the ridiculous lie the enemy has been trying to get me to believe for months now).  God is Holy, and He is Love. Anything not of Him is against Him- it's such a simple fact, but blows my mind. I've been wondering how (in the Old Testament especially), He is so just and so jealous and seems almost eager to discipline harshly those who don't obey. But it's actually a huge comfort to me now. It's because He is SO good, and SO holy, He has a great comprehension and feeling of the depth and darkness of sin- He absolutely cannot stand it, and is jealous for His creation in that He will go to great measures to keep darkness away from His children. His purposes are great. And I am so broken and amazed to think that the One so magnificent and good and just and gentle and omnipotent and omniscient would be choosing to work in and through my life, and billions of others, just to bring joy to our hearts. If he wanted just glory, He could have made us with no ability to choose good or evil. But He gave us a heart and mind so we would KNOW Him. He loves us enough to make us know His love. He loves us with an unconditional,  eternal, perfect love that is all seeing and IS always working for our good. And when I get that-  when He answers me and gives me the wisdom I ask for in understanding - I am so full of praise and thanksgiving, I can't contain it. He assured me tonight that what He thinks of me is all that really matters. And that hit me squarely, and is still stinging smartly, but I'm smiling because of it. :)  Even when I awoke this morning, after a terribly trying night of emotional breakdowns over feeling pressured and insufficient, the first picture in my mind was one of Him smiling at me, saying "You're going to be okay. I know the way. Now let's go."  And I realized He wants to walk with me throughout the day. The Holy and Mighty one of the universe, the King over all Creation, is at my right hand.

//   Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
    I have no good apart from you."
The LORD  is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
    in the night also my heart instructs me.
 I have set the Lord always before me;
    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
    my flesh also dwells secure....  {Psalm 16}   //

Thank you, Father, for all you've done and are doing.

The belief is planted so deeply in my soul. It may sound strange, but it's like I have been given the freedom to believe again, with everything in me. To believe despite doubts-  no, furthermore, to believe so that I can look doubts square in the face and say, You have no place in this new creation. And to trust Him no matter what is not to be foolish but wise. Even if it be foolish, it would be in my eyes and the worlds', but not the one Who matters most. And I want His way.

To steal a line from NEWSIES the Musical:  
 I say, that what You say, is what I say.