// g l i t t e r //

Another day of life
A glittering gift I've finally received
The joy of your strength has been given
But I've been too anxious to see
All the answers to questions I have
About myself and the place I am going
Oh God, I want passion in my bones
Not anger boiling in my blood
I want your peace in my soul
I need You to take control
I can't fight on my own
I haven't been trying at all
I need your strength to stand again
I need You to be my defense
You say You will always hear me
You promise You'll never leave
So I thank You every morning
Drown in praises as You speak
God, thank You for your mercy
Let me not sit where I've learned
God, push me onward toward the goal
I need You strength to go on at all
In my heart, in my mind
Every night it seems I find
I'm a wretch, and I feel alone
I think I'm out of place and yet I'm
right where You want me
Oh, soul, be content in that
Spirit, fill me with your fire for more
Help me love like never before
Change me from within, for You glory
Oh, Lord
I can't hold it in
But I need Your strength to carry on
You are mighty in battle, Lord
I will run next to You.
I stay motionless when I'm fixed on me.
Where do I go when I seek after You?
I go.
I am going.
And it's not about me
You love me
You adore every one of the people I see
Oh, God help me see them like You do
Help me love them like You want me to
Fill me so I can be emptied again
And wherever You call I'll be there.
I love You. //

b e l i e v e >>>

I had a beautiful moment in worship with the Lord tonight.

He pieced together many of the chaotic thoughts that have been skewing my perception and He assured me of His goodness and love in a way I can't describe very well. I've been wanting to make my knowledge my belief, in my heart of hearts, and I've been asking Him for help in that. I've realized He has already claimed the victory, and it's on my end to fight the good fight, but I've been so tired and frustrated with the struggle. I've been fighting half- heartedly, occasionally, and allowing doubts and misconceptions about the Lord to sit and fester in my mind, while I just press forward and try to do my very best. God in His loving grace (haha, it's Grace night, guys! ;) )  just planted these core reminders in my heart tonight when I told Him to take my heart and make it into what He wanted, because I see I can't fix it myself....
God has to have a contradiction. He doesn't desire sin nor does He use evil to manipulate and bring us to repentance and utter dependence on Him for selfish reasons. (Believe it or not, this is the ridiculous lie the enemy has been trying to get me to believe for months now).  God is Holy, and He is Love. Anything not of Him is against Him- it's such a simple fact, but blows my mind. I've been wondering how (in the Old Testament especially), He is so just and so jealous and seems almost eager to discipline harshly those who don't obey. But it's actually a huge comfort to me now. It's because He is SO good, and SO holy, He has a great comprehension and feeling of the depth and darkness of sin- He absolutely cannot stand it, and is jealous for His creation in that He will go to great measures to keep darkness away from His children. His purposes are great. And I am so broken and amazed to think that the One so magnificent and good and just and gentle and omnipotent and omniscient would be choosing to work in and through my life, and billions of others, just to bring joy to our hearts. If he wanted just glory, He could have made us with no ability to choose good or evil. But He gave us a heart and mind so we would KNOW Him. He loves us enough to make us know His love. He loves us with an unconditional,  eternal, perfect love that is all seeing and IS always working for our good. And when I get that-  when He answers me and gives me the wisdom I ask for in understanding - I am so full of praise and thanksgiving, I can't contain it. He assured me tonight that what He thinks of me is all that really matters. And that hit me squarely, and is still stinging smartly, but I'm smiling because of it. :)  Even when I awoke this morning, after a terribly trying night of emotional breakdowns over feeling pressured and insufficient, the first picture in my mind was one of Him smiling at me, saying "You're going to be okay. I know the way. Now let's go."  And I realized He wants to walk with me throughout the day. The Holy and Mighty one of the universe, the King over all Creation, is at my right hand.

//   Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
    I have no good apart from you."
The LORD  is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
    in the night also my heart instructs me.
 I have set the Lord always before me;
    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
    my flesh also dwells secure....  {Psalm 16}   //

Thank you, Father, for all you've done and are doing.

The belief is planted so deeply in my soul. It may sound strange, but it's like I have been given the freedom to believe again, with everything in me. To believe despite doubts-  no, furthermore, to believe so that I can look doubts square in the face and say, You have no place in this new creation. And to trust Him no matter what is not to be foolish but wise. Even if it be foolish, it would be in my eyes and the worlds', but not the one Who matters most. And I want His way.

To steal a line from NEWSIES the Musical:  
 I say, that what You say, is what I say.

problems.

God's showing me that I need to stop wearing myself down with bitterness and anger against myself and humanity in general. He convicted me of my lack of thankfulness some weeks ago. Today I saw that  I need to start being thankful not only for the things around me but for what He's put in me and made me like. I want to watch and see and be thankful for how He's made people, what He's blessed them with, what He's delighted to put in them and grow in them!

I see posts all the time like this:
Problems of being a short girl, problems of being an extrovert, problems of an introvert, problems of an ENFP, blonde probs, etc.
I really dislike posting complaints or venting online; I try to see social media as a venue for encouragement and support, instead. So I was thinking what I would say myself for "probs".
Problems of being a perceiver and compassion person + a work-oriented person +  an introvert with a deep love for people and extrovert with high needs for quiet time to function + a dramatic stage actor who's melodramatic in everyday language +  a creative individual with a quirky memory bank+  a hardcore "go big or go home" personality coupled with a soul that just wants to curl up in a nest away from all civilization.

These problems aren't problems that God didn't design. In fact, I don't think He calls them problems. I believe He actually laughs a little when I see it all as being so complex and confusing. Because He sees the big picture. He knows what's going to happen to- and in- me. But He doesn't hold it there:  He is so full of loving-kindess (He IS loving-kindness), He reaches down and gives me divine moments of comfort, revelations of His truth, assurance of His promises and answers to prayer, every day. He speaks to me through people, His Word, sermons, songs on the radio, movies, memories, books, and though I learn much through many different things, He makes certain things stand out. Those things that stand out are evidently reflective of Him, and immediately make my mind freeze for a second... it's like I get a lightning bolt in my head.  And I know I'm loved. It's all a matter of surrendering all that I am, asking the Lord for His help and strength, remembering Who He is and staying strong in the battlefield of the mind by staying in His word and in prayer. If any one of those four walls get a hole in them, the devil gets a foothold. When I mess up, it doesn't mean the wall is down and I'm done for. Neither does it mean I was playing all along and haven't been saved; if I realize my faults and repent and believe in the forgiveness of my Savior, I am forgiven. See, God is showing me something radical. He does not desire sin. Absolutely not. The times I falter and disobey Him or doubt Him and walk outside His will are not meant to lead me to despair and greater distance from His heart. The times I have conviction and repentance... I am meant to, in those moments, recognize that it is the power of the Holy Spirit within me that makes me see and feel those things that grieve God's heart!
It is good that I feel so deeply.
It is good that I think so much.
The Lord made me so for a reason.
He is all that holds me together; He is the only thing good in me! And yet I've been quenching His Spirit within me by living in disbelief that His Spirit has been given as a gift to me, even though the evidence has been here for years. And I have been ungrateful for the marvelous work He has chosen to do in my life, in me;  I recognize my sin in my lack of thankfulness. God, thank you for being a God of mercy and justice and unfailing love. Thank You for making me the way I am, even if I don't understand it. I want to be grateful for what you've made; I want to stop being judgemental of other's shortcomings and stop fearing to see the good in them because we are all imperfect and only you are Good- but Father, I want to see with bright eyes how You have blessed them, to rejoice in the gifts you give to all Your children, to delight in others as You delight to look upon us. Here is joy in living! To have a thankful heart is to see the world not through rose- colored glasses, but to live with the aching smoke cleared.
All men are like flowers of the field that wither and fall, and the word of the LORD stands forever...... read on in first Peter and we see this:
"As you come to Him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood..."  And it goes on to say we are chosen and called out of darkness into His marvelous light and are urged to abstain from passions of the flesh that wage against our soul.
See, when we say we must set our eyes on things above and keep ourselves from idols, we should certainly not make possessions, ideas, goals or even people or relationships first priorities in life. When we say only God is good and we make Him our one desire, we should certainly never substitute earthly things for our sustenance or satisfaction. Yet I think we miss out on a gift of the Spirit when we ignore the beautiful things God created to specifically place in people: His joy.  He delights in us and He is a God of details. Now that I come to think of it, I can't convince myself that God doesn't wish for us to have the same attitude toward those He claims are made in His image.  Only by His strength can we do it. Only by His love can we understand. Only by His grace can we have knowledge of freedom and only by His wisdom can we walk in confidence.
I had this idea a few months back. What would our community, our church, our circle of friends look like, if we just put each person in the position of royalty or authority? Think about how we talk to and act around rich, royal, or important people. We might speak our minds around them, but we'd do so respectfully if we have the mind of Christ. We might get comfortable and at ease with them, even, the more we get to know them, but we wouldn't be so thoughtless as to personally insult them or threaten them or hold grudges against them-- at least not like we do our loved ones. Isn't that crazy?  So this idea was, what if we treated all men equally: not equally as casually, but equally as important. It's only possible by  Christ's love and power.
That was just an idea that came to mind a while ago. Had I actually implemented it in my life, my past would be different; yet I am amazed and thankful that it's on my mind again and matches what else God is teaching me now.
God is good. I hope He gives you an unquenchable thirst that is only satisfied by being in fellowship with Him. He has more passionate love for you than you can ever comprehend.
Just be thankful today, for what He's done around you and for who He's made you to be. It is all for a purpose. Every little detail.

free verse.

All the while I was writing this, and when I read it over, it's like I'm adamantly preaching with passionate tears, inside my head. 

"I am so tired.

As is everyone else.

Oh, we run and we try to do better,

to solve it all;

oh, to have peace

that our faith is worth believing  

in.

God.

You are not cruel.

You do not have a glimmer of selfishness in you.

You are.

You are the great I AM.

Where else is glory due but to You?

Pain and suffering are a picture of darkness: without You and your hope, 

life

IS

void. 

But it is not the pain and suffering that is terrible.

The hurt comes through how we always react to theses trials.

In releasing our human pride and anger, we are free to accept the contentment and perfect, deep love You eternally offer.

In every little trial, You give us an opportunity to see how your 

Love

conquers

all.

It's not easy.

No, darling, it's certainly not. 

Oh, my, it's hard.

Some days will get brighter.

But some days will still be quiet and cold.

Do you remember how He made you light up, though?

You remember.

Oh, all that fear bottled up.

All that fear is just an idea.

You doubt your faith because you worry it's all been a facade of feelings or experiences, that it hasn't been dynamic enough to change you for good, that it all might be in your head.

What has manifested itself all around you? What has compelled you to sacrifice time and time again? What power has overcome your will to stand? Who has comforted you on the nights you thought should be your last?

Where is your heart, beautiful?

Oh, don't throw away the dreams He's made reality for you!

I ask you, what is just an idea? WHAT is just a feeling? 

What can be conquered?

Oh, you fearsome beauty.

Give in to what holds fast.

You're all in; you know that.

Let your heart go there.

Let yourself be possessed by the truth!

This is what you were made for

Your doubts are ever-existent but so fleeting.

What never changes makes you renewed."

Bottom Line.

{up front: a sermon/ encouragement/ inspiration/ rabbit-trail/ commission/ answer to my own questions and responses to words I've been told}

When did being a Christian necessitate a certain dosage of fear in our bones?  

I’ve never believed I could be 100% fearless because I have to be cautious. 

Believe in Jesus Christ, trust His Spirit to guide your words and actions as you surrender to Him to do so, make every effort to imitate Jesus, repent when you’ve sinned, and believe that God in His grace will forgive you, I've been told.  Life= summarized. 

It is just man’s handmade criticism and greed that influences teachings and mentalities of this: a Christian cannot throw off all restraint and claim they’re just living by the Spirit, as if they have absolutely no responsibility anymore, as if sin isn’t a big deal, as if they don’t have to be on guard, as if they can make decisions willy nilly….   Is that what everyone who speaks of living fearlessly says? No. But it’s man’s pride that makes such extreme distinctions, as if there cannot be a middle ground. Some confuse “no grey areas” and “no compromise”  with “no balance”.   God is not relative or changing or mediocre, neither is His word unclear on any issue we live with. Right. So why do we fear? Answer me that.  Well, we don’t want to think we’re totally indestructible, for we are only human. And we’re definitely not immortal, so we mustn’t think of ourselves that way. We’re only vessels for the Spirit to flow through. True. But not only.

We are vessels OF the Holy Spirit.

I think we subconsciously think we can’t grasp and act on that because we’ll be putting ourselves on some pedestal of being “spiritual beings” or something. Some people live in that extreme of mysticism and obsession with their own spirituality or spiritual state. Under the pressure of judgment, we don’t want to be oober-spiritual, even in the Christian sense. We definitely don’t want to be fanatic/ hippie/ mystics or anything like that, then.  Back to that first point—do we really, honestly, live and make choices not wanting to be called something we’re not , such as extreme, careless, ridiculous, or judging? Do we make choices to not be these things out of fear of those who choose to be these things every day?

Look at the life of Jesus. We’re called to imitate it, right? Told to imitate it, by the Creator and Founder of the universe? All right.  What did Jesus do? This was a slogan said all  the time when I was a kid: What would Jesus do?  I think in recent days we’ve morphed this idea into “what do I believe God would want me to do?”  Which isn’t wrong.  But Jesus came to earth for a reason. He didn’t send down a rulebook. He didn’t even write in another set of stone tablets a list of what to do. He could have. After all, that’s what many of us seem to want, even those of us who advocate against the “checklist religion”. Jesus came to earth to be our example. So we should look at His life. Look as what he did. The Bible doesn’t always share explicitly what His emotions were.   Joy. Hope. Peace. Courage. Gentleness. Patience. All the fruits of the Spirit. Do we imagine Jesus was not the epitome of every single one of these, though? Of course He was.  We have the perfect example. Don’t be bogged down by the excuse that you are only human, that you are never going to be God! Absolutely you are human, and which of you ever thought you would be God? Never! It’s not even on our radar, not even in our thought process to become Him. It’s ridiculous to use the “He’s God and we’re not” card for stopping ourselves from living fearlessly.  We should always keep our pride in check and keep ourselves from idols and stop trying to control things in our lives, absolutely; relinquishing the grip we try to get on things, relationships, everything, and repenting of it all, is key to freedom and forgiveness. And we should not fall into the trap of thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought.

Here is where we are at. We have billions of words and feelings swarming around our brains at any given second. We are human. We are fallible.

Here’s what the Bible says. Not what we say, but what God says. Will you or I argue?

I am God’s child (John 1:12)

I have been justified (Romans 5:1)

I am Christ’s friend (John 15:15)

I belong to God (1 Corinthians 6:20)

I am a member of Christ’s Body (1 Corinthians 12:27)

I am assured all things work together for good (Romans 8:28)

I have been established, anointed and sealed by God (2 Corinthians 1:21-22)

I am confident that God will perfect the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6)

I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)

I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3)

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7)

I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18)

I am blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3)

I am chosen before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4, 11)

I am holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4)

I am adopted as his child (Ephesians 1:5)

I am given God’s glorious grace lavishly and without restriction (Ephesians 1:5,8)

I am in Him (Ephesians 1:7; 1 Corinthians 1:30)

I have redemption (Ephesians 1:8)

I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)

I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)

I have hope (Ephesians 1:12)

I am included (Ephesians 1:13)

I am sealed with the promised Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13)

I am a saint (Ephesians 1:18)

I am salt and light of the earth (Matthew 5:13-14)

I have been chosen and God desires me to bear fruit (John 15:1,5)

I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8)

I am God’s coworker (2 Corinthians 6:1)

I am a minister of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:17-20)

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5)

I am raised up with Christ (Ephesians 2:6; Colossians 2:12)

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 2:6)

I have been shown the incomparable riches of God’s grace(Ephesians 2:7)

God has expressed His kindness to me (Ephesians 2:7)

I am God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

I have been brought near to God through Christ’s blood(Ephesians 2:13)

I have peace (Ephesians 2:14)

I have access to the Father (Ephesians 2:18)

I am a member of God’s household (Ephesians 2:19)

I am secure (Ephesians 2:20)

I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)

I am a dwelling for the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 2:22)

I share in the promise of Christ Jesus (Ephesians 3:6)

God’s power works through me (Ephesians 3:7)

I can approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)

I know there is a purpose for my sufferings (Ephesians 3:13)

I can grasp how wide, long, high and deep Christ’s love is(Ephesians 3:18)

I am completed by God (Ephesians 3:19)

I can bring glory to God (Ephesians 3:21)

I have been called (Ephesians 4:1; 2 Timothy 1:9)

I can be humble, gentle, patient and lovingly tolerant of others(Ephesians 4:2)

I can mature spiritually (Ephesians 4:15)

I can be certain of God’s truths and the lifestyle which He has called me to (Ephesians 4:17)

I can have a new attitude and a new lifestyle (Ephesians 4:21-32)

I can be kind and compassionate to others (Ephesians 4:32)

I can forgive others (Ephesians 4:32)

I am a light to others, and can exhibit goodness, righteousness and truth (Ephesians 5:8-9)

I can understand what God’s will is (Ephesians 5:17)

I can give thanks for everything (Ephesians 5:20)

I don’t have to always have my own agenda (Ephesians 5:21)

I can honor God through marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33)

I can parent my children with composure (Ephesians 6:4)

I can be strong (Ephesians 6:10)

I have God’s power (Ephesians 6:10)

I can stand firm in the day of evil (Ephesians 6:13)

I am dead to sin (Romans 1:12)

I am not alone (Hebrews 13:5)

I am growing (Colossians 2:7)

I am His disciple (John 13:15)

I am prayed for by Jesus Christ (John 17:20-23)

I am united with other believers (John 17:20-23)

I am not in want (Philippians 4:19)

I possess the mind of Christ (I Corinthians 2:16)

I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)

I am promised a full life (John 10:10)

I am victorious (I John 5:4)

My heart and mind is protected with God’s peace (Philippians 4:7)

I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)

I am blameless (I Corinthians 1:8)

I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)

I am crucified with Christ (Galatians 2:20)

I am a light in the world (Matthew 5:14)

I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)

I am the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21)

I am safe (I John 5:18)

I am part of God’s kingdom (Revelation 1:6)

I am healed from sin (I Peter 2:24)

I am no longer condemned (Romans 8:1, 2)

I am not helpless (Philippians 4:13)

I am overcoming (I John 4:4)

I am persevering (Philippians 3:14)

I am protected (John 10:28)

I am born again (I Peter 1:23)

I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I am delivered (Colossians 1:13)

I am redeemed from the curse of the Law (Galatians 3:13)

I am qualified to share in His inheritance (Colossians 1:12)

I am victorious (1 Corinthians 15:57)

{list compilation source:   http://crossinglouisville.com/sermon/our-identity-in-christ}

Caring and careful, yes; but, nowhere have I ever read that we need to be constantly fearful (or even cautious, for that matter).   If anyone’s ever read anything different, share it.

We’ve heard that we shouldn’t pick a few verses out and put them together to satisfy a question or topic; we have to read it all to understand the context. So read the verses surrounding these verses. Let them be the stone thrown in and explore all that’s beneath the expanding waves until you come to the shores. Read the chapters, the books, the testaments, the Holy Words of Jehovah.

Please don’t be afraid.

Some say to be radical. Some say they are going to be reckless for Jesus. Some go too far and are careless under the umbrella of grace, hurting themselves and God’s beloveds around them. Some go so far as to claim sin as excusable and relative. That’s one end of the spectrum

Some say to keep striving. Some believe they can achieve perfection. Some become enveloped in pride because they believe and behave as being superior to unbelievers. Some even become so wrapped up in spirituality and the spirit world that they miss reality and the purpose of why we are here on earth. Some even get pulled into the devil’s temptation to withdraw and look inside themselves for all the answers, to trust in their own power, to go to their own wisdom and intuition for guidance and strength.

Does life lie somewhere in the middle?

No.

It stands above it all.

Life is in Jesus.

Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.

We’ve been told to imitate Him.

God told us to imitate Himself.

So we must.

I made my mind be controlled and caged by caution, my pride acting upon my insecurity,  instead of being controlled by the Creator of all.

No more.

God told me to imitate Himself.

So I must.

When we have a book that shows us how to do something and we want more than anything to learn how to do it, we read the book, right?

That’s elementary. 

This is real.

This is now.

So let’s do this.

Bottom line:{This is my life purpose. It is everyone’s.}
Read the Bible. Believe Jesus is your Savior. Surrender to the Holy Spirit’s working through you and in your life.  Seek to imitate Jesus and hope that through all your actions and words, His name will be proclaimed and glorified and others would be drawn to Him.  Humble yourself and pray.  Pray unceasingly. 

{p.s. Never forget God’s love. Never forget that it is present in peace, pain, pleasure, darkness, jubilation, exhaustion, abundance, and confusion alike. You’ll never fully understand it, but don’t ever stop desiring to understand more of it. If one word is to be meditated on, extrapolated, searched out, picked apart, and have a forty-volume commentary on it, then it should be on this powerful, free-flowing love He’s offered to us.}

Ostracized

God loves to surprise & amaze me. ;)

Before and after my play auditions with HPA this year, I asked Him to place me in whatever role I could best serve Him.  My heartcry was “Father, if it is Your will to give me a lead, I will give my everything to perform it to your glory; but if it be Your will for me to commit my time to one of the causes my heart is burdened for, a calling you've placed upon my life, then I will joyfully and excitedly embrace any role you give to me!"    I meant it, every day I prayed it; until I finally saw the cast lists, and I realized that my hopes, my own dreams, were not in letters on that list. My prayers had been a mixture of pouring out my wishes and asking the Lord to grant my requests, knowing all the while that God’s will always prevails!

Here is a bit of what I wrote on Sunday afternoon: “In my past, I’ve learned to face my pride, my fears, my depression, and my negativity. But envy? It saddens me to think of how often it still hits me. How much I’ve compared myself to others, how often I’ve wished I could have their abilities or talents—and how very little I focus on what God has created me to be, what He’s given me to share with others! Like many, I still struggle with feeling insufficient,  unworthy and unwanted. To be completely open and honest, my inner vanity bug is kicking and screaming right now. Yet, I thank the Lord for the wisdom He grants when requested! It seems to me now that the most ineffective and inefficient person is the one who sits around, depressed, ungrateful, complaining and unwilling to take that constant dare to reach out to others and serve them exactly how God wants them to. And because of who I’ve been born again to be, by the power of the Holy Spirit ever living and breathing in me, and through the joy of the knowledge of Jesus’ freedom, I have overcome the vanity and the envy that eats away at my heart.  I take the stand against it. I have a choice today, and today I choose freedom. It’s not easy to conquer something, but it’s beautiful to live with the freedom of having conquered with Christ. Only then is the burden easy and the yoke light: when we come to the Father. And in coming to Him, we say ‘Your will be done’.  It will, and has, prevailed. I laugh to think of the inklings of thoughts I had immediately after I realized what this next year in theater would look like for me (and to others! *smack that bug*) : maybe I should’ve prayed harder for the roles I wanted, maybe I shouldn’t have so radically asked God to give me whatever role I could be serve Him in, and maybe if I hadn’t said I’d be grateful for a smaller part (meaning God wanted me to invest my time and efforts elsewhere), I’d have gotten a bigger role.  I honestly cannot believe how ridiculous my coming-and-going thoughts have really been; I don’t really know my heart until a challenging situation comes up, do I? But I am so grateful. SO grateful! I didn’t want to learn, I didn’t want to admit to anything, I didn’t want to be thrilled with what I’ve been given, not yesterday and not this morning. And I didn’t think I had the strength to search my soul, to ask God to purify it and then to really listen to what He was telling me. It is amazing me at this very moment that His mercy, so sweet and soft, is sharp enough to cut down these stubborn ice guards I’ve slowly built up….”

I wouldn't be honest if I said that I wasn't disappointed for a moment after seeing the cast lists (honestly, I was confused for a while!) The day was full of temptations to despair and worry and allow feelings of inferiority, insufficiency and even envy to creep in. But thank our merciful, beautiful Lord! Through His love, grace & convicting truth, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, I have been made to not only accept my new positions but to genuinely REJOICE in these perfect opportunities, the opportunities I've been praying for all along! I have been chosen as an Animal Choreographer for Peter Pan to help teach a group of beautiful girls and to share with them how amazing it feels to dance! I seriously cannot stop smiling today, as I think of how incredible it is that the mighty hand of God is working in my life! How wonderful is His love! And He's proven how He delights in the details.... I am the Ostrich? (*I ADORE birds!*) I get to dance? (one of my "favorite things"!) And speaking of the Sound of Music... not only am I a nun (which I have always aspired to be!),  I am also the Baroness Elberfeld (who, by the way, gives a one-liner an amazing raised-eyebrow expression to the Nazi Herr Zellar at the ball!)  I am thrilled beyond words. I’m still pretty sure that no one will really understand why or how I could be, but instead of allowing the enemy to plant nonsensical thoughts of confusion and embarrassment in my mind, I am allowing the Spirit to plant truth in my mind, and my soul had been constantly rejoicing in the beautiful knowledge of my Father’s hand at work in my life. I am embracing this new season with my whole heart: not because I have to, not because anyone expects me to, not out of pride or spite—no. Purely out of a heart that is filled to overflowing with gratitude for the One who gave His very life for me and still continues to give me gifts. Perfect, wonderful, unexpected delights, each and every day.

So,  while I may have been myopic in my character last year (“’Where?’, Miss Eshton?”), thanks to my awesome Father, I’ve got both eyes wide open (and in fact, Ostriches have the largest eyes of all land animals- the only creature to have eyes larger than they is the giant squid! “Who knew, right?”) !

Note: You know how I know this is all a “God thing”? I feel like I’m on caffeine when I’m not. I’m waking up feeling this way. And the feeling won’t go away. If there is such a thing as “spiritual caffeine”,  I’m on it. And I am loving it.

I am blessed, and I am overjoyed. Now the fun begins.

Homeschool Performing Art’s Sound of Music & Peter Pan 2013-2014….Let’s do this.

Tryout Day: Her Worries, His Worth

To all of you who were praying for my auditions for HPA's "The Sound of Music" on Thursday, thank you so so much! I definitely felt God’s hand at work throughout the entire audition. True,  besides the fun, the energy, the laughter, the amazing girls I met, the sheer delight I felt during the acting exercises, and the ease I had going into my monologue, there were moments when I was completely confused, moments when I just wanted to go home, and the ever-dreaded moment just before they called my name when I realized I was losing my voice and then couldn’t find the right key to sing my song in. I remember asking God, all day,  to be there with me and sing through me on that stage. I remember asking Him, when it was over, “Why? Why did my voice sound so awful, why didn’t I remember to breathe properly, why didn’t I sing very loudly, and why was I suddenly so nervous that didn’t express myself with the motions I was longing to act out?” I wondered if God actually didn’t want me to sing well. I wondered what was so wrong with me that while I can, in all modesty and honesty, sing with beauty and clarity and strength and an operatic power that actually gives me chills, surprising myself to the point of tears, whenever I sing listening to the soundtrack, playing the song on the piano myself, or even acapella—but somehow I cannot sing well with another person playing an instrument?  I wondered if I am just one of those people who aren’t cut out to sing in public. Then, during the long night after my audition, when I wanted to just sleep, I kept thinking on what I needed to do, what I needed to improve, what I needed to fix, what I needed to remember next time I sang, what I just needed to try harder at, what I had to do in order to get what I want. Yes.  That was what it all came down to. I recognized this—later than I should’ve—and I begged God to help me. I asked him to forgive me of my selfishness and my envy. I asked Him to take away my fears, my doubts, my anxiety that I couldn’t figure out how to shrug off, and the depression that was settling upon my soul once again. After a rather fitful night, I got up and went to work as usual, still finding that I couldn’t stop thinking about auditions. It frustrated me so much that I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong in my mind. So I prayed from the depths of my heart for God to do what I couldn’t, to take control, to do what He willed. And yet the thoughts kept coming. I’ve always believe that God wants only good things for His children, and that any thoughts or feelings that oppress or lead me to despair are not from Him but rather are temptations from the devil. The Holy Spirit does convict us of sin, and when we listen, leads us to repentance; but, the Lord does not desire that we would be downcast or anxious. After all, Jesus said “Do not be anxious about anything,” and “Do not let your hearts be troubled: neither let them be afraid.” The Bible also says that the Lord hates idols, which can be anything that we allow to inhabit the center of our minds or hearts, take our focus off of Him, making it to be held it higher esteem than our Heavenly Father. So I struggled with these thoughts. I admitted that my anxiety about auditions was becoming a very unhealthy and obsessive thought process, one that I did not want at all. Yet I was, and am still, unsure of how exactly to make the thoughts go away. I’ve asked the Lord the guard my heart and mind,  I’ve commanded the devil to flee from me, and I have turned to God’s truth for comfort and wisdom. And God is surely beginning to open my eyes to the truth.

The first thing he showed me was this. Friday night, my sister Becky, my friend Sarah and my friend Alexa Heeres all had a sleepover at the Heere’s home. In their house, I saw a plaque that read, “Faith makes things possible, not easy.”  I stared at it for the longest time, processing what this meant for me where I was at (It was a, “God, could this possibly be you speaking to me through this?” moment!). And the more I thought about it, it made sense. I had asked God to sing with me on stage? That didn’t mean that He would or that He wouldn’t because He was trying to teach me a lesson or something. He did sing with me on that stage. He was in every breath I breathed… which, in that 20 seconds, happened to be …well, only two.  Without Him, I would have been silent. Without Him, I would have forgotten the words. Without His voice within me, I wouldn’t have been able to picture each thing in the song in my head. And WITH Him, I was able to keep going, bad as I sounded, after I made a mistake (and looked to the piano lady for help!).   Maybe my voice wasn’t perfect. Maybe it was froggy and croaky because it was late and my throat was giving out on me. Maybe I could’ve tried harder and breathed deeper and sang every note unashamedly out instead of reservedly in. And maybe I just don’t remember exactly how my audition really went. But I know God was there. He gave me the strength to not only survive the entire 6 hours I had to perform and talk with people, but to thrive in the drama, the conversations, and the little joys that came and went throughout the night. 

I don’t make excuses, yet I attribute much of the confusion to exhaustion; but, there were in fact things I can practice on, such as taking deeper breaths, focusing on the people around me rather than my own worried self, and just truly relishing the freedom that I have to open my mouth in song, even if it is in front of fifty other people!  I have realized, through the mercy of our Lord, that He truly does give us good gifts. But God’s perfect idea of “good” is not necessarily what we would usually call “good”. My entire audition opportunity was good, the people were wonderful, much of the night was a blast! But as ugly as some of the other parts look in my memory, they were all good. God gave me that experience. He’s giving me the experience now of seeing what I need to work on, and relying on His strength to help me work on it. He’s telling me that even if I see no point in my mistakes or that any good could come of that audition, He has something good in mind. And there is one greater lesson He is teaching me, one deeper issue that I’ve been tied up in that He is untangling within me. And that is the question of my worth.

I am feeling incredibly unworthy. Yes, I’ve read in numerous places over the past week, heard it from some people, even sang it when there was a song about it on the radio:  I am unworthy, but Christ is worthy!  Indeed. But I’ve been worrying about myself. And I believe that I began to subconsciously make my audition into the turning point that determined who I really was, as if somehow, how well I could perform would define who I am. I’ve been asking, and I’ve been given answers. What makes me worthy? It’s not my looks or my talents or my wit or my personality or my interests or my relationships… and that’s the truth. My worth is not defined by how well I perform or how confident I am. It doesn’t matter if I stand out in the crowd or if others even listen when I speak. I can be walking out in God’s truth, following His commandments, loving Him and others with all my heart, serving, speaking, searching, praying, working, trusting, proclaiming His goodness to all…. but my worth is not found even in that. It’s not even about my becoming small so He can become bigger. He is already big! There’s nothing I can do to change who Jesus is!  Of course, I humble myself and magnify Him in my heart and in my life. Of course I need to surrender to Him, love and live for Him,  and in doing so show the world how great our God is!

But when it comes right down to it, Jesus is the One Who is worthy!

His worth is all that matters.

It is not me in Christ that defines my worth, but Christ in me that defines my worth. It is Christ’s worth, never my own worth, that defines who I really am. I still don’t know the explanation for it, but I believe it as the truth, and I hold to it as a promise my beloved Savior has made to me.

And tomorrow, I will wake up and begin the entire process of preparing for auditions again. And this time, may I always remember what I’ve learned. I will always keep my eyes turned upon Jesus, having confidence in His worth and in the knowledge of the freedom I’ve been given! I will have joy, because of Him! And I am SO glad that He loves me. 

Always.