Ostracized

God loves to surprise & amaze me. ;)

Before and after my play auditions with HPA this year, I asked Him to place me in whatever role I could best serve Him.  My heartcry was “Father, if it is Your will to give me a lead, I will give my everything to perform it to your glory; but if it be Your will for me to commit my time to one of the causes my heart is burdened for, a calling you've placed upon my life, then I will joyfully and excitedly embrace any role you give to me!"    I meant it, every day I prayed it; until I finally saw the cast lists, and I realized that my hopes, my own dreams, were not in letters on that list. My prayers had been a mixture of pouring out my wishes and asking the Lord to grant my requests, knowing all the while that God’s will always prevails!

Here is a bit of what I wrote on Sunday afternoon: “In my past, I’ve learned to face my pride, my fears, my depression, and my negativity. But envy? It saddens me to think of how often it still hits me. How much I’ve compared myself to others, how often I’ve wished I could have their abilities or talents—and how very little I focus on what God has created me to be, what He’s given me to share with others! Like many, I still struggle with feeling insufficient,  unworthy and unwanted. To be completely open and honest, my inner vanity bug is kicking and screaming right now. Yet, I thank the Lord for the wisdom He grants when requested! It seems to me now that the most ineffective and inefficient person is the one who sits around, depressed, ungrateful, complaining and unwilling to take that constant dare to reach out to others and serve them exactly how God wants them to. And because of who I’ve been born again to be, by the power of the Holy Spirit ever living and breathing in me, and through the joy of the knowledge of Jesus’ freedom, I have overcome the vanity and the envy that eats away at my heart.  I take the stand against it. I have a choice today, and today I choose freedom. It’s not easy to conquer something, but it’s beautiful to live with the freedom of having conquered with Christ. Only then is the burden easy and the yoke light: when we come to the Father. And in coming to Him, we say ‘Your will be done’.  It will, and has, prevailed. I laugh to think of the inklings of thoughts I had immediately after I realized what this next year in theater would look like for me (and to others! *smack that bug*) : maybe I should’ve prayed harder for the roles I wanted, maybe I shouldn’t have so radically asked God to give me whatever role I could be serve Him in, and maybe if I hadn’t said I’d be grateful for a smaller part (meaning God wanted me to invest my time and efforts elsewhere), I’d have gotten a bigger role.  I honestly cannot believe how ridiculous my coming-and-going thoughts have really been; I don’t really know my heart until a challenging situation comes up, do I? But I am so grateful. SO grateful! I didn’t want to learn, I didn’t want to admit to anything, I didn’t want to be thrilled with what I’ve been given, not yesterday and not this morning. And I didn’t think I had the strength to search my soul, to ask God to purify it and then to really listen to what He was telling me. It is amazing me at this very moment that His mercy, so sweet and soft, is sharp enough to cut down these stubborn ice guards I’ve slowly built up….”

I wouldn't be honest if I said that I wasn't disappointed for a moment after seeing the cast lists (honestly, I was confused for a while!) The day was full of temptations to despair and worry and allow feelings of inferiority, insufficiency and even envy to creep in. But thank our merciful, beautiful Lord! Through His love, grace & convicting truth, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, I have been made to not only accept my new positions but to genuinely REJOICE in these perfect opportunities, the opportunities I've been praying for all along! I have been chosen as an Animal Choreographer for Peter Pan to help teach a group of beautiful girls and to share with them how amazing it feels to dance! I seriously cannot stop smiling today, as I think of how incredible it is that the mighty hand of God is working in my life! How wonderful is His love! And He's proven how He delights in the details.... I am the Ostrich? (*I ADORE birds!*) I get to dance? (one of my "favorite things"!) And speaking of the Sound of Music... not only am I a nun (which I have always aspired to be!),  I am also the Baroness Elberfeld (who, by the way, gives a one-liner an amazing raised-eyebrow expression to the Nazi Herr Zellar at the ball!)  I am thrilled beyond words. I’m still pretty sure that no one will really understand why or how I could be, but instead of allowing the enemy to plant nonsensical thoughts of confusion and embarrassment in my mind, I am allowing the Spirit to plant truth in my mind, and my soul had been constantly rejoicing in the beautiful knowledge of my Father’s hand at work in my life. I am embracing this new season with my whole heart: not because I have to, not because anyone expects me to, not out of pride or spite—no. Purely out of a heart that is filled to overflowing with gratitude for the One who gave His very life for me and still continues to give me gifts. Perfect, wonderful, unexpected delights, each and every day.

So,  while I may have been myopic in my character last year (“’Where?’, Miss Eshton?”), thanks to my awesome Father, I’ve got both eyes wide open (and in fact, Ostriches have the largest eyes of all land animals- the only creature to have eyes larger than they is the giant squid! “Who knew, right?”) !

Note: You know how I know this is all a “God thing”? I feel like I’m on caffeine when I’m not. I’m waking up feeling this way. And the feeling won’t go away. If there is such a thing as “spiritual caffeine”,  I’m on it. And I am loving it.

I am blessed, and I am overjoyed. Now the fun begins.

Homeschool Performing Art’s Sound of Music & Peter Pan 2013-2014….Let’s do this.